The other day, I planned a play date with my 4-year-old son’s classmate and his mother. The mom and I used to hang out a lot more with our children when they were just born, so we had some catching up to do. When I asked her who her child hangs out with now, it seemed like her list was long.
Truthfully, we don’t have as many buddies. As a stay-at-home mom, I’ve found it difficult to connect with other moms and kids in my son’s preschool class. Typically, nannies make play dates with other nannies and the children they watch, and many moms are so busy working that they don’t have time for us either.
Maybe it’s just us? No doubt my son and I have strong personalities, so I’ll try not to take it personally. But I do wonder: At what age should children be making good friends — and how many?
One mom, Alissa, told me that she read some of Rosalind Wiseman’s “Masterminds and Wingmen,” which said that what was most important was having two or three buddies by junior high school. “So yes, kids need friends, but 4 is young. There’s still a lot of time for things to develop,” Alissa explained to me.
My son doesn’t seem to need really close friends yet. Maybe it’s because he’s an only child or because he has a dad who is his best buddy and plays with him in our living room for hours.
Mom Rachel tells me that she doesn’t do play dates at all, though her young child has three older siblings. She says, “I think parents get too hung up on ‘socialization’ — and it drives me nuts. Little kids don’t have to be in preschool, have play dates, be in extracurriculars, etc. to be ‘socialized.’ If you want to do those things, fine, but it’s not a necessity.”
I tend to agree. When I asked some more parents for some advice on how to handle friendships at this age, I got some great tips and reminders:
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Don’t Push It
Mom Dana Lee doesn’t see the need to force friendships. She says, “As I gain more experience as a parent, there is something to be said for allowing your children to develop at their own pace without pushing them into the milestones we feel they should be hitting.”
Assume Nothing
Mom Renee’s kids all have different sizes of friend groups, and she says no one size is better than another — especially at a young age. “I’ve had kids with big friend groups and others with [fewer friends], and they all turned out fine. I’d only be concerned if [a child] shows a pattern of hostility toward others or other concerning behaviors,” she said.
Soak it Up
It’s only a matter of time before your kids would rather be around their friends instead of you, so you might as well enjoy the quality time while you can. “I arranged my schedule so I could be around my kids (2 and 4 years old),” says Kathleen Porter Kristiansen, family travel expert behind Triplepassport. “I feel like there’s a limited amount of time that they want to be with me most, and I’m going to soak it up. Yes, I’m selfish.”
Don’t Focus on Numbers
Mom Astrid says, “I would choose quality over quantity. Being able to connect with people and play with them is much more important than how many ‘friends’ a child has.”
These points make me feel better. After letting things sink in, I’m not going to push as hard on the play dates and deep friendships this year (or maybe ever). I’ll let go of all my ideas about how many friends I think my boy should have. Instead, I’ll allow his friendships to develop naturally over time, which might be the best recipe for a lasting friendship at any age.